These past couple of weeks I have been doing a lot of reflecting.
After I posted about my experience in the massage world, I got a lot of feedback; all positive and supportive, and absolutely appreciated. I have a great group of clients who come in with fun and meaningful conversations that fill my cup. I am truly reminded of the good things about my role as a massage therapist everyday, even through the tough parts.
Clearly though, I have some deep wounds that I have yet to fully heal. Particularly the wound of not feeling good enough.
In a broad sense, I think the universe set me up to have this subconscious over arching theme in my mind. I was born a biological female and as we all know society used to view females as significantly inferior to males. Of course, this has changed a lot over the years, thanks to the millions of women before me. Realistically though, we still have a long way to go and there are still subtleties in our culture today as well as generational trauma that still contribute to this (ridiculous) notion that being female is inferior.
Another, still broad, but more specific to my lived experience is the fact that I am of mixed race. Both of my parents have European backgrounds but from different countries. So growing up, I never felt like I was truly a part of either one. Whenever my parents and grandparents would bring me to cultural events in the community, I never felt like I truly belonged. A common narrative I believed and often thought while at these events was “I’m not [insert culture here] enough, so I don’t deserve to participate in this”. This narrative held me back from having the courage to learn new languages and be a part of cultural community traditions.
Building on this, I realized that I have a very structured mind. If I learn something one way, then its only that way that I can view or do that thing. In reflecting on this now as an adult, I see how much this mindset has held me back.
For instance, I grew up playing ringette and when I was 10 or 11, all the kids were asked to try out to be part of the “A” team. I never really understood what that meant at the time. So I showed up with my friends, and ran through the drills, played the scrimmages, had fun. Until one day at school my friend told me she got a call that she made the “A” team. I went home from school that day and had a message on my answering machine that told me that I didn’t make the team. I was devastated that I was not going to play with my friend and I was devastated that I wasn’t good enough to play on this “A” team. So in that moment, I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t try out again because I labelled myself as “not good enough” to play a high level of ringette.
My whole life I have been living this self-fulfilling prophecy of not being enough.
Not feeling good enough chased me as I sought out relationships. I didn’t feel good enough for anyone. I would have friends but not forever friends. Most friendships fizzled out. I attracted the wrong people for romantic relationships because I didn’t feel I deserved the right ones. Until now, I have to say I think I have found my person and the people I want to surround myself with.
Not feeling good enough was sitting at the top of buildings with a sniper riffle while I went to school. Elementary the gun was locked and loaded. High school it took a few rounds out on me. My first year of university it was real nasty. This idea consumed me and it contributed to me not trying hard enough and wanting to drop out of university. It eased off as I finished university and backed the hell off when I was in massage college.
Not feeling good enough was spying on me through windows while I would provide support to people who needed it. I never felt like I was what anyone needed in their darkest times.
Not feeling good enough was busy doing push ups in the parking lot when I finally started scoring goals in my ringette games and feeling good about myself.
Not feeling good enough finished their push ups and was stronger than ever while it watched me fail lifts as I trained Olympic weightlifting. Not feeling good enough took that one from me.
Today, not feeling good enough is sitting across from me at this table, telling me that I am in a career that no one respects, that I don’t provide value to anyone and that no one cares what I have to say in this blog.
Not feeling good enough had my blog for 2 years, even though I took it back, I can feel it wanting this one again.
Not feeling good enough may have taken Olympic weightlifting away from me, but for some reason, it let go of ringette. It let go of my friendships and romantic relationship. It let go of my education. But it is hanging on tight to my career.
Since writing the first part of this post, I spoke to friends, family, and my therapist about how I’ve been feeling. Everyone reminded of my success so far. I have a steady and consistent clientele, I am surrounded by people who hold knowledge that I can absorb, and sometimes I do get people who really trust my expertise and advice.
I think I may have reached the level of success that I was hoping for when I graduated and I think I might have reached a point in my career where I just want more. Maybe I am just bored with where I am at. And that’s a normal part of the process.
Before I make any rash career moves, I think its important for me to recognize that sometimes not feeling good enough is in the drivers seat and that is not me. Not feeling good enough is probably a mindset that is always going to be with me but if I can be mindful of when its taking over my decisions then I can take back control.
So right now, not feeling good enough has left the building, maybe its doing pull ups somewhere waiting for another opportunity to try and take over my mind. But I feel like I know what I need to do to keep it at bay.
I need to just make money and save it so that I can move out.
I need to invest in courses that will help enhance my treatments. I want to look for courses around pain science, the nervous system, and mental health as those are topics that I feel I can utilize the most.
I recognize that it is normal to go through fits and spurts throughout your career. Work is always going to be work at the end of the day, no matter how passionate you are about it. But, I am fortunate enough to be in a career that I can completely cater to my life. I can take courses of my choosing, I can create my own hours, and I can work where ever I want, even at home if I choose.
I am learning to accept that this career is always going to be a journey and never a destination.
So no, a drastic career change is not in the cards for me but maybe a career tune up is.
If you made it this far, thank you so much. It was super hard to write this one and many tears were shed in the process.
Wishing you well,
~Felicia
Comments