Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of things I do love about my job and massage therapy.
Like the fact I’m in a position to pick and choose my hours, the many directions I can take my practice (as long as I have the passion and motivation to do it), and some of my clients really fill my cup with great conversation.
But then there are days where I’m super over it.
Like when I get people who just come in to blow through their insurance or insist they need massage in order to function or refuse to see the progress they’ve made over the sessions we’ve had. The inconsistent pay is also frustrating when you’re trying to build a future for yourself. And there is the physical aspect too. Massaging people for an hour (or more) can be physically exhausting. Especially massaging the people who don’t exercise and drink coffee instead of water. Sometimes one client can feel like 6.
So honestly, there are days where I leave work and just feel drained and question whether I can keep this going as my main gig.
I definitely feel this roller coaster of liking and hating my job. And some days I just want to quit it all and live in the middle of nowhere.
During treatments where my clients need silence, I find my mind all over the place. I'm thinking about how I can make this profession better and what I need for this profession to be better for me. Recently, I was treating a client who wanted silence and I remember wanting to blow my brains out. I was soooo bored and my hands were feeling fatigue. I started thinking to myself, "can I really be doing this for the rest of my life".
When I first started my career in massage, I was like an eager little kid. I was motivated and I thought I was going to be working with people who had conditions that would force me to assess, critically think about and treat dysfunctions. I soon realized that where I work and the public's perception of massage hit me like a brick wall.
I work in a multi-disciplinary setting that mainly advertises and invests in physiotherapy, strength and conditioning, and medical services. Which places all the other services, including massage to be seen as supplementary to that. Because of this, I only get clients who are funneled in from those services. It is rare for me to get clients off the street. Most of my clients have been referred to me from elsewhere within the clinic and have already gone through all of the assessment and diagnosis from other practitioners. Naturally, I feel undermined. It sets a precedent to people about what massage is. When I started out, I quickly I felt like I am just someone doing all the physiotherapists dirty work. They get to critically think about conditions and get the clients into the gym to show exercises and have the ability to have long discussions about lifestyle factors affecting their pain. Where as those same people would come into my treatment room and start undressing before I could even say hello.
I was angry.
I was disappointed.
And if I am honest with myself, I think I am still angry and disappointed about those things.
Now I want to be clear, I still feel like I have accepted the true affect we have as RMT's. I am now okay with the fact that the most I can do to help someone is desensitize their nervous system and temporarily increase range of motion. I am now okay with the fact that massage really is one piece of the puzzle and I do see it as an important piece. I see that massage really does change people if they allow it to. I like seeing the relief people feel when the treatment is done and watching people transform from coming in high strung to leaving calm. But I feel like I am left wondering if having this affect on people is enough for me; is the simple act of touch and pressure enough to fill my cup?
As a kid, I always saw myself in a position of high regard and respect when I thought about growing up. First, I wanted to be a dentist, but then I started going to university and taking the pre-requisites for it. I realized that the only reason I wanted to go the dentistry route is because I would get toys at the end of my appointments and the dentist always said I had beautiful teeth.
HAHA as I am typing this now, in my 30's, I can't help but laugh at this because I actually had messed up teeth as a kid and needed surgeries and braces to get the smile I have now. Frick! I fell for their charm!
I digress, I was 18 when I went to university, I was immature and didn't take it seriously. I felt lost. I knew it was a waste of money since I lost the direction I originally had. My parents forced me to stick it out and I did. I finished with a Bachelor of Arts majoring in Psychology but took all the pre-requisites for physiotherapy. I loved physical activity and was fascinated by the musculoskeletal system so I matured as a university student and got better grades. But, it still wasn't enough to get me into kinesiology and it especially wasn't enough for an interview into the physio program. I even tried occupational therapy and still no. So I gave up on it. Finished my degree and moved on with my life and ended up here as an RMT.
I thought being an RMT would give me the knowledge and respect I was hoping for. But working in the place that I do, with the education that I received, and also maybe being the type of person that I am, I realize it does not.
I admire RMT's who have earned respect through the knowledge they have gained in their careers. I admire physiotherapists who get down to the nitty gritty of a problem, encourage new exercise and life style habits even though most people couldn't be bothered to listen to that advice. I think both profession's deal with similar struggles.
On a more personal note, when I reflect on the people who I admire in the musculoskeletal space, it is because the knowledge they have and the clientele they attract and maintain through their treatments and narratives. I don't feel like I have earned that.
My therapist reminds me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be having only practiced for 3.5 years but I am sitting here wondering when and how am I going to get to where I want to be?
I feel lost.
I find it really hard to come across good quality education in the massage realm. I feel that I am presented with weekend courses that either rely heavily on palpation, that are just trying to sell a new tool, brain wash you on a unique idea, or are based on opinions and personal experience rather than legitimate research.
I recognize that it really does come down to me and how badly I want to be better.
Also I know that I am someone who needs an external force to keep me accountable to things, which is why I thought going back to school for manipulations would be the thing that would help me feel more fulfilled in my career. I was wrong and I feel I am back to square one.
So long story long, I am still lost looking for more for myself and my career. I hold myself to a high standard and I feel that with where I am currently at, I am not meeting that standard. However, the lost feeling I feel now is different than it was before. Now, I am accepting of my role in someone's health journey whereas before I think I was in denial of it.
I am grateful to be in a position that I can positively affect change in someone, even if it is just improving their mood or giving them temporary relief from their pain.
But I am craving more, I don't know where to find it, and I struggle with the discipline, motivation, and accountability to search for it.
This post was difficult to write. Maybe I am just being hard on myself. Realistically though, I just can’t help but want more for myself, my job, and the massage profession as a whole.
Or maybe this is just a bad imposter syndrome flare up.
Wishing you well,
~Felicia
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